Snip Snip

My husband goes in to get a vasectomy tomorrow.I’m one day and one snip away form all my hopes of having another baby, a fifth child, going down the drain.I’m what you call “cray.” I thought I’d be done after four children and honestly, after the last one who brings us infinite joy but is also willful, loud, and a certified #girlboss, I didn’t think I could handle another very well. It took two and a half years to find our family rhythm again after Ellie. I’ve been in baby mode since 2002. That's fifteen years of birthing and having babies. It feels natural that at the ripe age of 35 and 40 as parents, time would move us into a new phase of life. A phase that consists of family travel and teenage years, sports and activities instead of revolving our whole tribe around nap and feeding schedules and more sleepless nights…oh. my. gosh.I cannot.I cannot EVEN with the not sleeping.My middle girl is very special needs and has a sleeping disorder. She woke up 3-4 times a night for 7 years straight. Sometimes she wouldn't go to sleep at all until eleven or midnight, then up again at 6am. For years I had no alone time for myself or with my husband unless we went on a date. No tv or wine time after all the kids were asleep. None of that. Now she wakes less frequently and goes to bed at a decent time. Still, this is a recent development. It was fine, you do what you need to do, but I’m in no rush to do it over.Between that and my littlest just moving out of the baby/toddler stage, the thought of me jeopardizing sleep again is just about the most horrific though I can fathom. I’ve been scarred, ya’ll. Sleep is more valuable than diamonds in my house. I remember being so sleep deprived when Ellie was a baby that I seriously would have paid someone a thousand dollars to stay the night and get up with her so I could sleep through.  I cried a lot. Hard. That’s all I could do. I’ve got this thing called Hashimoto Thyroiditis. It's an autoimmune disease that wreaks havoc on the adrenal system to which sleep is paramount to feeling okay-ish. More kids? Nope. No thank you. I’m too old for this shit.But...nothing on earth is sweeter to me than being a mother to my children. I try hard to be a good mother. Having children is the biggest honor I have ever been given so I spend infinite amounts of time and energy trying to make myself worthy. And babies are my bread and butter. I swoon so hard for babies, you guys. I feel so bad for any babies who don’t have me for a mother because I am the best baby mother on planet earth. This is what I think. It’s a problem.I read something the other day that said for Christmas this woman had been given an envelope from her husband. She was pregnant with her first child and for months they’d disagreed on whether or not to find out the sex of the baby. She wanted to. He didn’t. But as a present and show of selfless love the husband decided to call the doctors office and ask them to write the sex of their baby on a piece of paper and seal it up so that he and his wife could open it together on Christmas day. I turned to Jeremy and said “Oh my gosh, if you gave me a an envelope that said you’d like to have another baby with me I’d be so happy!” He laughed politely…nervously…and said “yeah, I don’t think thats going to happen. I’m sorry sweetie, for wrecking your dreams.”So no baby. Which got us here to the vasectomy. You can’t blame me for trying.The thing is, I’m at peace about this. We came to the decision together. I agreed it was appropriate and fitting and the next right step for our family. I think more than I actually wanted another baby, I wanted my husband to want another baby with me. Does that make sense? I didn’t want to talk him into it or convince him. I just thought it would be nice if he wanted that because I would so be on board. As it stands though, he’d just like to enjoy our existing children and call it good. It sounds like a good plan.I think I just need to accept that I am a woman who finds tremendous value in being a mother and I’ll probably never feel completely comfortable closing the chapter on my childbearing years. If this is as close as I get, it’ll be okay. I may shed a few tears mourning what could have been, but I will continue to fix my eyes on what is and give thanks that I got to be a mother four times over. Which is not too shabby, lets admit that. Besides, I guess this means I can resume my adoption nagging.I’m a dream to be married to.Tomorrow is the day, Jeremy. Remember this morning when you said to me “just think tomorrow when you hug me goodbye it will be the last time I’m a stallion. When I come home, I’ll be neutered”?Yeah, I do too.I just wanted to write it here for the world to see. A DREAM I tell you.